The Children of Girlyman
by MA7
Summary: The Ultramarines at their finest. As you can tell I have HUGE respect for this not at all over rated space marine chapter.
1. Chapter 1

The Children of Girlyman.

Chapter 1 (the prologue)

Egg and Pedo checked all the other news stations and all were the same. An Imperial planet had been attacked by Tau military drones and vehicles, hundreds of millions of people had been taken away in Tau destroyers, and the Imperium was now at war with the Tau Empire.

On one channel a pompous and foolish looking space marine in blue armour with a white toilet seat as the emblem was speaking to camera.

"When the Ultramarines Chapter attempted to have diplomatic talks with the Tau Empire the Tau Ambassador made offensive allegations that all Ultramarines are homosexuals."

"We asked them why they thought this and the Tau Ambassador said that the Night Lords Chaos Space Marines had said that all Ultramarines are "a bunch of fucking faggots"!"

"The talks degenerated from there and a state of war now exists between the Ultramarines and the Tau Empire. Any xenos race who will have dealings with the treacherous scum of the Night Lords traitor legion is an enemy of the Emperor and all his loyal space marines!"

The Tau news reporter then turned to a live crossover to a Night Lord Chaos Space Marine for comment.

The Night Lord Chaos Space Marine (who Egg recognised as her half brother Augusta) was rolling around on the floor laughing.

"Chaos Space Marine Augusta Sevenson, as a member of the Night Lords Legion how do you respond to what the Ultramarines leader just said?" Asked the Tau news reporter.

Augusta howled with laughter and could not get a coherent word out past his bellowing laughter.

The news reporter tried for some minutes to get a proper response but was only met with more laughter.

***...

Chapter Master Manure Cowguts (close enough) of the Ultramarines chapter was not the only Imperial space marine who had been pissed off by the Tau calling the Ultramarines Chapter "a bunch of fucking faggots". The dozens of Ultramarines successor chapters were also incensed, insecure enough to take offence rather than see the funny side of it.

A mighty coalition of dozens of chapter fleets assembled, ready to fight to the death to prove their heterosexuality. There was of course the real reason of the Tau attacking the Imperium Planet of Blue Husko, but as far as the space marines were concerned, the real issue was the Night Lords telling the Tau that Ultramarines are faggots.

The Night Lords were the real target of the Space Marines wrath, it was they who had insulted the Ultramarines, and for that they had to die! The Tau were harbouring the Night Lords so that meant that they had to die too.

The assembled chapters viewed an intercepted Tau news channel that showed the Night Lords official response to the news that the Ultramarines were insulted. They all boiled with anger as the Night Lord neophyte rolled around on the floor laughing and laughing so much that the Tau gave up trying to interview him! The news footage told that the laughing neophyte was on Akranes.

They laughed like losers as they decided to pay this neophyte a lesson...

***...

The assembled Imperial Space Marine fleet exited the warp in a torrent of rage in orbit of the icy planet Akranes. Dozens of mighty Battle Barges and over a hundred strike cruisers took up positions in one of the biggest overreactions of all time.

Automated orbital guns opened fire on the fleet and a massive space battle ensued.

Despite the huge space battle the Space Marines sent down hundreds of drop pods down to areas of the planet that were probable locations for the Night Lords.

***...

Down at the Akranes First Military Academy the sky darkened as dozens of drop pods roared downwards. Every one of the assembled chapters had sent at least one drop pod to this location, with the number of drop pods proportional to how insecure they felt (the Ultramarines sent the most).

With bone aching thuds the drop pods slammed into the icy ground and the pods opened to disgorge their space marine cargos.

The dozens of different squads looked around the grounds and stiffened with anger. The entire academy was spray painted with insulting graffiti!

In giant ultramarine blue letters was written: "Robert Girlyman sucks Konrad Curze's cock in hell - love from the Night Lords"

With shouts of rage the Ultramarines and successor chapters stormed the buildings, looking for the Night Lords.

The buildings then all disappeared in small mushroom clouds as hidden small yield nuclear weapons detonated inside the buildings, wiping out 90 percent of the forces in the Academy grounds! Gun drones then quickly flew out of hiding places to gun down the survivors.

Specialised Tau drones quickly collected gene seeds from the bodies for the Tau university research efforts on human bioengineering, which would doubtless piss off the space marines enormously.

At other target locations the Space Marines found similar traps and ambushes. The Tau had evacuated the planet the moment the Manure Cowguts declared war and were using Kauyon tactics to reduce the enemy numbers without taking any significant Tau losses in return.

The Tau soon had hundreds of captured gene seeds and the Space Marines were forced to evacuate their ground forces to prevent taking any more unnecessary losses.

***...

The space marine fleet angrily chased the fleet of Custodian class tau battleships that was attempting to escape with the stolen gene seeds.

The Space Marine ships barrelled into hidden naval mines that the Tau were luring them into and took a lot of damage.

On the bridge of the Ultramarines Flagship a video message flashed up on a screen showing a Night Lords neophyte holding a gene seed.

"Thanks for the gene seeds faggots." The Night Lord said jeeringly and poked out his tongue at them.

The Ultramarines shouted angry abuse at the Night Lord and increased their engine speed to maximum. They immediately rammed into a hidden mine field and caught fire.

The Night Lord howled with laughter and the lead battleship engaged it's gravitic drive and escaped with the stolen gene seeds!

With the lead ship away, the remaining battleships turned around and engaged the space marines fleet in battle. Huge squadrons of Manta missile destroyers exited the Custodian launch bays and descended on the enemy ships.

***...

High over the tau planet of Yo'Mamma (the name was a widespread source of amusement in the sector) a battle raged between what had now been dubbed the "faggotmarine fleet" and the fleet of the Tau Air Caste.

The space marines raged as they barrelled through every orbital defence, smashing it all to rubble which then rained down on the planet causing widespread damage to infrastructure. A destroyed strike cruiser actually crashed into the planet, causing mass extinctions as half of a small continent was devastated by the colossal impact.

The space marines obliterated the Tau war fleet that was protecting the planet, taking a lot of damage in the process, and debris and wrecked ships fell down onto the surface of the planet. The planet was soon a hellish place of death and extinction, entire ecosystems wiped out forever and cities flattened under the ejecta from the huge impact craters.

With the planet so utterly destroyed that even the Tau would struggle to return it to it's former glory, the Tau fleet abandoned the worthless lifeless burning rock to the space marines.

***...

One by one the Imperium space marine fleet took every Tau controlled planet within easy reach of the Fortress Station, fortifying every planet with reinforcements from the Imperial Guard and Imperial Navy.

The Fortress Station was now completely cut off from Tau reinforcements and would have to make do with the forces they already had.

With the Tyranid hive fleets rampaging through the Tau Empire, the Tau could ill afford these terrible losses and their fleets were pulling back from the entire region to fight against the much greater threat of the Tyranids.

On the Ultramarines flagship the assembled chapter leaders and company captains celebrated their victories over the Tau. Who were faggots now huh?

The assembled space marines reviewed the strategic Intel to decide their next move, consulting the codex astartes to decide what to do next. The codex astartes was an all round excellent book (ignore what the Space Wolves, Salamanders, Imperial fists and other chapters say to the contrary) written by Roboute Guilliman, the Ultramarines primarch and universally accepted as the greatest, best, manliest and most awesome primarch of all time (again you should ignore the laughter from the other 8 original loyalist chapters and their successor chapters).

The Codex Astartes was a wonderful book that set out the not at all stupid idea of reducing all Space marine chapters to no more than 1000 members. It also had the added bonus of telling the space marines everything they needed to do in any situation, saving their minds from the laborious task of thinking for themselves. The fact that the Tau and every other technologically advanced faction in the galaxy (Orks, Tyranids and Necrons don't count) had obtained a copy of the book to anticipate the space marines every move was not considered to be sufficient reason to stop using the book, and the Ultramarines wisely continued to rely on the 10,000 year out of date book to tell them what to do now.

The book clearly recommended that they use a number of no longer available technologies to... to? Kiss the enemy? The space Marines looked at each other in confusion and summoned a librarian to decipher the meaning.

"It's a typo you morons, KILL the enemy not KISS them!" The librarian respectfully shouted at the wise space marines.

Ok so they should use technology that no longer exists to kill the enemy. Simple.

"That class of starship has been out of production for 9,000 years you fools!" The tech marines respectfully jeered when the Ultramarine captains requested the technology.

The Ultramarines scratched their heads and poured through the codex astartes to find some alternative they could use. The 10,000 year old book was strangely silent about how to fight the centuries old Tau Empire!

The space marines sent out astropath messages requesting a certain model of warship that was recommended by the codex astartes, just in case someone happened to have one.

The message was quickly answered.

"We have 3 of those ships" said a space marine in crimson armour.

"Excellent, please send them to us." The Ultramarines said happily.

The figure in crimson laughed and said, "no way faggots, the Word Bearers Chaos Space Marine Legion isn't giving you shit. Go suck a cock you losers, Robert Girlyman is not even worthy to suck Lorgar's cock!"

The word bearers kept calling them faggots until the Ultramarines hung up in a rage! We are NOT faggots! Why did people keep calling them faggots? It wasn't fair!

The Ultramarines sent out a very emphatic astropath message to the entire Ultimar Segmentum, telling everyone in no uncertain terms that they were NOT faggots! Surely THAT would show them!

***...

All across the Ultimar Segmentum, Chaos forces fell on the floor laughing at the latest insecure message from the Ultramarines.

The Chaos forces from every tiny little warband and faction within astropathic range eagerly responded with messages of their own. The Ultramarines were always great fun to astropathically troll, their huge egos and crippling insecurities compelling them to respond in the most hilarious ways.

One of the funniest responses came from the leader of an Emperor's Children warband:

"As a "faggot" myself I resent the implementation of being compared to an Ultramarine. I sucked 100 cocks this morning and am currently wearing a pink dress, but I am more manly than these losers will ever be. Stop using faggot to describe Ultramarines, they deserve far worse insults than that. - By the way, I think I just saw Girlyman performing fellatio on Fulgrim."

Chaos Space Marines from all 9 traitor legions and from numerous renegade factions were rolling around on the floor howling with laughter as the Ultramarines spluttered in outrage and stammered to think of a suitably cutting response.

The Ultramarines sighed in relief when astropathic messages from the Space Wolves came to their rescue:

"Our Ultramarine Brothers are worthy of respect and should be honoured for 10,000 years of dedicated fighting. They have battled and strove for millennia and the Space Wolves acknowledge this dedication. It cannot have been easy to spend the last 10,000 years fighting so hard to stay in the closet and we should not rush them to get on their pride float! Be patient with them, you might hurt their feelings if you kick down the closet door for them!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2(CG)

The Ultramarines blubbed as their brutalised fleet limped home, having had their asses badly kicked by the Night Lords in the "Faggotmarine war". The Night Lords had defeated them, but hadn't killed them. They had instead called them faggots repeatedly until they were all in angry tears, and then sent them limping home to "live with their shame".

Manure Cowguts gratefully accepted a tissue from a chapter serf and dabbed away his tears and blew his nose. The Night Lords had been so MEAN!

"We will get revenge, Lord Cowguts, we will show the galaxy that we are NOT fags!" Ultramarines chief librarian Tigeranus reassured Manure Cowguts.

Manure Cowguts sniffed and nodded.

Just as he was starting to feel better, his astropath choir informed him that he had received another message from the Space Wolves.

"Play the message", Cowguts commanded.

The astropaths obeyed and lowered a large monitor from the ceiling and played the message.

The screen showed an entire company of Space Wolves doubled over with laughter, with full audio. The Space Wolves were clearly trying to speak, but the power of speech was temporarily beyond them due to their laughter.

Manure Cowguts stiffened and hung up in a rage!

The mean Night Lords bullies had recorded the spectacle of the Ultramarines blubbing at being repeatedly called faggots, and had then used astropaths to share this footage with every astropath in the galaxy! The Ultramarines were now (an even bigger) complete laughing stock, and the jeering messages from enemies and allies alike were hard to endure!

"Lord Cowguts, the entire chapter has just received an invitation to attend the annual LGBTQ pride parade on the planet..." A chapter serf began to say.

"I don't want to hear the rest, we are NOT faggots!" Manure Cowguts interrupted angrily.

"If you say so Lord Cowguts," the serf said cheekily.

Manure Cowguts angrily sent the insolent serf away, feeling deep impotent rage. Even his own serfs were now questioning the manliness of Manure and his Ultramarines. The whole galaxy was laughing, and Manure Cowguts couldn't make them stop!

***...

As the Ultramarines limped back home in their crippled fleet, on the nearby Slaaneshi Daemon World of "Sissy Secundus" (Blatant shoutout to Cultist Chan), the local effeminate noise marines of the "TrannyMarines" Warband were trying in vain to be bigger faggots than the Ultramarines, but to no avail!

The TrannyMarines of Sissy Secundus were, to a girl, a bunch of boisterous drag queens, a riot of giggles, and about as camp as it was humanly possible to be. A row of tents could not be any camper, they really had turned being really REALLY gay into an art form.

(Author's note, as part of the LGBTQ community myself, I can laugh about this stuff, as I am in part making fun of myself. I'm not in any way anti-LGBTQ, I am merely anti-Ultramarines!)

They prided themselves on being the sissiest, most effeminate, complete and TOTAL "faggots" in the entire galaxy. It was a matter of deep religious importance for this warband to be recognised for perfect excellence in being the faggiest fags who ever fagged, but the Ultramarines were now being acknowledged all over the galaxy for stealing the title of "biggest ever faggots!"

The TrannyMarines sprayed each other with perfume, as they skipped around in pink dresses while holding limp wristed hands with each other. They gave each other make overs, sang terrible karaoke songs about being first afraid and then petrified and about it raining men, they put on girlie lingerie and had a sissy tickle fight with giant feathers, they blew kisses at each other, and then to just be completely sure, they got a bunch of guys to have sex with them as they responded with really camp phrases!

They tried EVERYTHING, but they STILL ended up being more manly than the Ultramarines!

Desperately the TrannyMarines consulted the oracles of Slaanesh, trying in vain to be bigger faggots than the Ultramarines.

"Still not bigger faggots than the Ultramarines," the oracles of Slaanesh told the TrannyMarines sadly as they got thousands and thousands of men to cum all over them.

The TrannyMarines got dismayed and pulled out all the stops, getting a hundred thousand human drag queens to cum in a swimming pool, and then diving into the swimming pool to have a giggling girly splash fight.

"STILL not gay enough!" The oracles insisted.

The TrannyMarines sobbed and cried to be as effeminate as possible, prancing around singing about the YMCA and sucking off ever bigger numbers of guys.

"STILL not even CLOSE to being bigger faggots than the Ultramarines!" The oracles insisted.

"How the FUCK can we be any more gay than we are being already!?" The TrannyMarines demanded in falsetto voices.

"The Ultramarines are without question the BIGGEST faggots in the entire galaxy. The ONLY way to take their place is if the Ultramarines were to be made more manly so that you may take their place!" The oracles told the TrannyMarines.

The TrannyMarines giggled effeminately and resolved to seek out the Ultramarines, and teach them how to be men.


End file.
